Mental Health: My Breast Journey
Hey guys,
Todays going to be a more serious post as some of you may be aware it is mental heath awareness week, I was toying back and forth with a few ideas I wanted to post but thought why am I trying to cram them all into one week when mental health is all year round and all around us and is something I want to talk about a lot.
You may be wondering what "My breast journey" has to do with mental heath awareness week but to me this has been a long process that has been a part of my life for many years now so sit back, grab a snack because this is going to be a long one.
As some of you may or may not have know I've been dealing with mental heath for many many years now, actually thinking about it its been 11 years on going. I've had depression, anxiety and battled with bulimia along with a continuation of self confidence issues. Im telling you all this briefly because im going to go into more detail in another blog and just so you know a bit of my background while I tell this story.
Ive always been a plus size curvy girl which for years I hated and tried to do anything I could to change that but I can proudly say today I am 100% okay with it and proud of being a curvy plus size girl however..... not when it comes to my breasts. They've aways been large no matter what size I was they didn't get any smaller the smaller I got they either stayed the same or got bigger which I understand to some people is a dream come true but to me I feel like its ruining my life. I feel trapped in the body I have because of them.
I went to the doctors walk in centre multiple times a week for a month or so complaining about excruciating back, spine and shoulder pain. To the point where it got so bad id be sat in the waiting area in a room full of people crying because of the pain. I dont sleep properly because any way I lay is uncomfortable unless I have something wedged in may side for more support, Ive had my hours cut down at work because im incapable of doing my job for a full week because of the pain which is really effecting my mental health because I just sit home alone all day over thinking, I was buying multiple packs of heat pads a week to try and numb the pain but nothing happened and when I eventually got to see my doctor she put me on high pain killers to try and help but they didn't do a thing.
My doctor and I agreed that the best thing would be a breast reduction which I was thrilled about because I finally saw a way out of all this pain and darkness so we followed the steps and I got referred to my local hospital. In the meantime I was/am also going to physio to try and help straighten out my spine because the weight of my breasts had meant that I was over compensating by trying to stand straight but the impact of that had meant my lower spine had started to grind on itself causing the awful pain and my shoulders had started to hunch over meaning I was constantly slouching. I went to the hospital and had topless photos taken so they could see the size and how its effecting my spine etc etc. Time went on and the pain got worse yet I heard nothing back from my doctor or the hospital.
In the end I had been waiting 7 months so I emailed the Head Boss of my local hospital explaining everything and they where very supportive and told me to call my doctors which I did. I got put through to a doctor who wasn't even my own and someone I had never spoke to to find out I had been rejected for the surgery and that I had to wait another 3 weeks to have an over the phone convocation with my doctor by this point I was hysterically crying on the phone because my dreams has been crushed of me getting to have the surgery.
This brings us to this morning, it was the day of my phone call with my doctor that I had been waiting for for so long but it just left me feeling disappointed and upset. I was basically just told that there was nothing they could do I could either pay the £7,000+ myself or get a "good bra". After having a good cry for the most of the morning because I dont have that sort of money I thought this is exactly what the people in "finance" dont see they make a decision that can fix or ruin someones life. They dont know that I come home most nights after work crying because im in so much pain, they dont see me looking in the mirror and after years of working on my confidence hate what I see because of them, they dont know that I hate clothes shopping because nothing fits me right because my breasts are too big, they dont see all the cuts that bras leave on me and they don't know what its like to feel so trapped in your own body that you hate the thought of going out with friends doing certain activities because your worried you won't be able to keep up with them or you will look out of place, they dont know the physically and mental pain of trying to go on a romantic weekend away but not being able to enjoy it to its fullest because your in so much pain just from walking around or not being able to wear your handbag because your shoulders are in so much pain. They dont see me crying on the phone to my dad or in my boyfriends arms. They dont know how bad this can effects someones mental health and now im stuck. I dont have a way out now, I dont have money to get a surgery that isn't for vanity its for sanity I feel like im going to go insane because I cant remember a day where ive woke up and not felt pain over my body or woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain in my legs because Im having spasms all over my body because of it. You cant see me crying while I write this to tell you things like this you may not agree with people getting things like this done on the NHS but it isn't just a " boob job" because I want massive perky boobs I feel like I cant live a normal 20 year olds life the way I am.
So I guess im leaving this as a cliffhanger. I dont know what my next steps will be. Theres nothing the hospital can do for me now apparently. Im going to try some new bras out but that doesn't help the bigger picture. After years of battling with my demons and finally being in a happy place I feel like the world is crashing back down on me. I know it won't be like this forever and anyone who knows me knows I always say "dont be a negative Nancy" or "everything happens for a reason" but it is really grating on me now and I most probably am just having a bad day but this is why I wanted to write this longer post now because its raw and its real im 20 and feel like im in a 80 year olds body. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know because at this point I am open to anything and everything. Thank you for taking the time to read this and again if any of you have anything your struggling with dont hesitate to contact me even If you just fancy a chat.
Here are some photos just so you have a clearer idea
These are some of the photos that stick out the most to me, all these occasions are important points in the life but to me all I can see is my breasts and it makes me feel so uncomfortable and makes me not like them which makes me so sad because I want to have photos to look back on and remember these times but it just makes me miserable.
Love
Megsy - x
My twitter: https://twitter.com/EverythingsMegs
Instagram: Megan Smithard
Makeupbymegsyy
Everythingsjustus
Snapchat: MeganSmithard
Todays going to be a more serious post as some of you may be aware it is mental heath awareness week, I was toying back and forth with a few ideas I wanted to post but thought why am I trying to cram them all into one week when mental health is all year round and all around us and is something I want to talk about a lot.
You may be wondering what "My breast journey" has to do with mental heath awareness week but to me this has been a long process that has been a part of my life for many years now so sit back, grab a snack because this is going to be a long one.
As some of you may or may not have know I've been dealing with mental heath for many many years now, actually thinking about it its been 11 years on going. I've had depression, anxiety and battled with bulimia along with a continuation of self confidence issues. Im telling you all this briefly because im going to go into more detail in another blog and just so you know a bit of my background while I tell this story.
Ive always been a plus size curvy girl which for years I hated and tried to do anything I could to change that but I can proudly say today I am 100% okay with it and proud of being a curvy plus size girl however..... not when it comes to my breasts. They've aways been large no matter what size I was they didn't get any smaller the smaller I got they either stayed the same or got bigger which I understand to some people is a dream come true but to me I feel like its ruining my life. I feel trapped in the body I have because of them.
I went to the doctors walk in centre multiple times a week for a month or so complaining about excruciating back, spine and shoulder pain. To the point where it got so bad id be sat in the waiting area in a room full of people crying because of the pain. I dont sleep properly because any way I lay is uncomfortable unless I have something wedged in may side for more support, Ive had my hours cut down at work because im incapable of doing my job for a full week because of the pain which is really effecting my mental health because I just sit home alone all day over thinking, I was buying multiple packs of heat pads a week to try and numb the pain but nothing happened and when I eventually got to see my doctor she put me on high pain killers to try and help but they didn't do a thing.
My doctor and I agreed that the best thing would be a breast reduction which I was thrilled about because I finally saw a way out of all this pain and darkness so we followed the steps and I got referred to my local hospital. In the meantime I was/am also going to physio to try and help straighten out my spine because the weight of my breasts had meant that I was over compensating by trying to stand straight but the impact of that had meant my lower spine had started to grind on itself causing the awful pain and my shoulders had started to hunch over meaning I was constantly slouching. I went to the hospital and had topless photos taken so they could see the size and how its effecting my spine etc etc. Time went on and the pain got worse yet I heard nothing back from my doctor or the hospital.
In the end I had been waiting 7 months so I emailed the Head Boss of my local hospital explaining everything and they where very supportive and told me to call my doctors which I did. I got put through to a doctor who wasn't even my own and someone I had never spoke to to find out I had been rejected for the surgery and that I had to wait another 3 weeks to have an over the phone convocation with my doctor by this point I was hysterically crying on the phone because my dreams has been crushed of me getting to have the surgery.
This brings us to this morning, it was the day of my phone call with my doctor that I had been waiting for for so long but it just left me feeling disappointed and upset. I was basically just told that there was nothing they could do I could either pay the £7,000+ myself or get a "good bra". After having a good cry for the most of the morning because I dont have that sort of money I thought this is exactly what the people in "finance" dont see they make a decision that can fix or ruin someones life. They dont know that I come home most nights after work crying because im in so much pain, they dont see me looking in the mirror and after years of working on my confidence hate what I see because of them, they dont know that I hate clothes shopping because nothing fits me right because my breasts are too big, they dont see all the cuts that bras leave on me and they don't know what its like to feel so trapped in your own body that you hate the thought of going out with friends doing certain activities because your worried you won't be able to keep up with them or you will look out of place, they dont know the physically and mental pain of trying to go on a romantic weekend away but not being able to enjoy it to its fullest because your in so much pain just from walking around or not being able to wear your handbag because your shoulders are in so much pain. They dont see me crying on the phone to my dad or in my boyfriends arms. They dont know how bad this can effects someones mental health and now im stuck. I dont have a way out now, I dont have money to get a surgery that isn't for vanity its for sanity I feel like im going to go insane because I cant remember a day where ive woke up and not felt pain over my body or woke up in the middle of the night in so much pain in my legs because Im having spasms all over my body because of it. You cant see me crying while I write this to tell you things like this you may not agree with people getting things like this done on the NHS but it isn't just a " boob job" because I want massive perky boobs I feel like I cant live a normal 20 year olds life the way I am.
So I guess im leaving this as a cliffhanger. I dont know what my next steps will be. Theres nothing the hospital can do for me now apparently. Im going to try some new bras out but that doesn't help the bigger picture. After years of battling with my demons and finally being in a happy place I feel like the world is crashing back down on me. I know it won't be like this forever and anyone who knows me knows I always say "dont be a negative Nancy" or "everything happens for a reason" but it is really grating on me now and I most probably am just having a bad day but this is why I wanted to write this longer post now because its raw and its real im 20 and feel like im in a 80 year olds body. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know because at this point I am open to anything and everything. Thank you for taking the time to read this and again if any of you have anything your struggling with dont hesitate to contact me even If you just fancy a chat.
Here are some photos just so you have a clearer idea
My 18th birthday
My 19th
My sisters wedding
This is from a "supportive sports bra for bustier chests" that left me with this horrible cut after only having it on for 4 hours the little dot at the top was from another bra which has now scared because it cut into me.
For me this is quite a faint mark but this is after having a bra on for only 20 MINUTES.
This is how my breast usually looks because of the weight of them they constantly rub and are constantly painful. You cant really see in this photo but I also had a scar under thss breast because of an old bra that cut in so much and that was 5 years ago.
Love
Megsy - x
My facebook: https://www.facebook.com/everythingsmegsy
My twitter: https://twitter.com/EverythingsMegs
Instagram: Megan Smithard
Makeupbymegsyy
Everythingsjustus
Snapchat: MeganSmithard
Emails: Business: everythingmegsy@gmail.com
Advice: askmegsyanything@gmail.com
Advice: askmegsyanything@gmail.com
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